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How to Pastor Difficult People — Ministry Today. Are certain people in your church driving you crazy?
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Here are some practical tips for dealing with nine difficult personality types. When John D. Rockefeller was asked what quality he was willing to pay for the most when hiring employees, he responded without hesitation, . Every congregation has a few people like this. In different places, difficult people may come in different shapes and sizes, but they all share this common trait: They are difficult! Learning to deal with them effectively required me, first of all, to face my own unrealistic expectations of them. However, through the years I have come to realize that believers are more likely to be carnal than they are to be spiritual.
This has always been true of the church. After all, most of the books of the New Testament address carnal issues among first century Christians. Had these believers been spiritual, these books would be missing from our Bible.
Somehow I thought I was failing in my ministry if I could not earn the love of every person in the church. This, too, was another unrealistic expectation. At any given moment, 1.
Learning to accept this as normal frees the pastor from the bondage of compulsively seeking to be loved by every person in the church. Learning to feel comfortable with the fact that there would always be a small group of difficult people in any church I pastored who probably would never love me was a very significant, but difficult, step for me to take in my pastoral growth. Dealing with difficult people forces you to practice self- discipline. This is the practical wisdom of James 1: 1. Basically they are fearful of close personal relationships that would require them to be emotionally vulnerable. So their behavior is designed to push your buttons and pull your strings- -to put distance between them and others. Then one day the Lord helped me to see they were just as difficult to get along with at home and at work.
I never will forget these thoughts He injected into my mind: . Be glad you aren't married to them or don't have to live with them. The first are found in Matthew 1.
Ephesians 4: 1. 5. Both of these passages instruct us to confront difficult people privately and in love. Take the initiative; but in doing so, be sure you are fair, firm and friendly. Don't make exceptions for them. If you know you are treating them fairly, it should help you be lovingly firm in the way you deal with them. This works well with people who are willing to be flexible with you, but, often, difficult people are difficult because they are so rigid.
So once you know you are being fair with them, be firm with them. Once you know you are being fair, you will discover people respect you more and are more likely to comply with your correction if you are pleasant in the process. In most cases you will be unaware of the history involved in their anger. The first three types in the following list fall into this category. These are intimidating people. They are so bold and blunt in their approach that they tend to take you off guard.
They must be confronted in a firm and friendly way. If the person interrupts you, call the person by name and say, . Often these people will make accusing insinuations against you in meetings. Avoid the temptation to take them on in front of the group. Say something such as, . These people frighten you so that you will tread softly when you are around them.
Usually they themselves are frightened or frustrated. Get the facts straight and offer some practical help, if possible. These people cannot make up their own minds. They listen to what you have to say and seem to be in agreement, but they don't follow through.
In the end, you will probably have to make a decision for them by saying something such as, . These people are complainers. Usually they feel powerless in their personal lives. Then paraphrase what they have said to you so they will know you have heard them- -but don't agree with them. And don't apologize for not agreeing with them.
When they go on and on, don't be afraid to say: . How long do you think this discussion will last? These are not happy people. They feel their lives are under the control of people who can't be trusted. You must confront their . Be ready to take positive action in spite of what they say. Remember, other people in their lives have had to learn to discount their messages of doom and gloom.
Their silence makes others uncomfortable. The silence may indicate a number of things going on in their lives. However, silence in a meeting can be paralyzing. So say something- -engage these types of people in small talk. Talk to them about their lack of conversation and challenge them to express themselves.
These people bowl you over with their ideas. You will need to describe for them what you propose to do. Then, when they have overwhelmed you with their often accurate but irrelevant information, innocently thank them for it and ask, . They just want to be heard. These are people who always agree.
At the time they say it, they mean it. However, they have gone along with what you have asked them to do because they are afraid to be honest with you. So you will have to make it easy for these people to raise their issues with you. They usually respond well to solutions that are free from conflict. To foster your own growth, write down the things about these people that annoy you.
Ask yourself why you find these things so annoying. How do you usually respond to them? How would you like to respond? Don't try to manage difficult people by avoiding them. Take the direct approach. As you put yourself more in control of situations that used to be in control of you, commend yourself for managing difficult people with less difficulty. And remember, no one does it perfectly.
Dobbins is a respected Christian psychologist, minister and author. His new book, Invisible Imprint (VMI Publishing), is available at bookstores nationwide. Visit his Web site at www. Ministry Today Subscription Special - Subscribe to Ministry Today magazine today and get 1. Amplified Leadership, a free leadership book for only $2.
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